| Yesterday I had the pleasure of speaking at | | | | would look it up on Google. While I am glad she will |
| Rutgers University in front of around 150 high | | | | finally get her answer as to the definition of a |
| school students, which was a lot better than | | | | walrus, and will hopefully even get to see a walrus |
| speaking behind them. The subject was humor | | | | wearing a dress, it makes me think that none of |
| columns, so it goes without saying that walruses | | | | us -- and I do mean none of us -- have done our |
| came up multiple times. I mean, so many times | | | | job of correctly promoting walruses...So with that, |
| that I completely lost track. Like, at least seven | | | | I plan to change everything. And I don't mean |
| times. As is evident from my enthusiasm, I felt | | | | that I will convert all of my dollars into quarters; I |
| proud to include walruses because they are left | | | | mean that I will do whatever I can to inform |
| out of so many aspects of society: sleep-overs, | | | | people of the past, present and future of |
| camping trips, and even games of Monopoly, | | | | walruses. I will tell them of their many purposes: |
| which is a shame because I think they'd be pretty | | | | opening cans, playing whisker violins and even |
| good at it...But then it happened. When the speech | | | | serving as very large paper weights for when a |
| ended, I was approached by a girl who told me | | | | rock simply won't cut it. A year from now, or |
| that her friend did not know what a walrus was. | | | | maybe even tomorrow, I want to be able to |
| My immediate thought was that maybe she was | | | | stand at a random street corner -- preferably |
| kidding. She had to be, right? I mean, these are | | | | one where there is no crime taking place -- and |
| walruses we're talking about here, not some | | | | yell out "walrus!" and someone will yell back to me |
| unpopular animal like a dog or a cat. But she was | | | | that a walrus would be a great letter opener or |
| not kidding at all, so I needed to resort to | | | | that a walrus could be a state senator if not for |
| explaining characteristics of a walrus:They're like | | | | its inability to speak, or sign documents, or use |
| seals but with fangs, I first told her.And they | | | | ATM machines, among other minor |
| have whiskers, I added, and they are really heavy | | | | technicalities...And when all is said and done, if one |
| and live in the water.But she still was not familiar | | | | walrus comes up to me to shake my hand and |
| with it, despite my very vivid details. In | | | | thank me, then I will know my time has been well |
| retrospect, maybe I should have mentioned that | | | | spent...But I digress.Greg Gagliardi is a teacher and |
| a walrus is a lot like Toys 'R Us but with an | | | | writer. His stream-of-consciousness weekly humor |
| incorrectly spelled wall replacing the toys. | | | | column, "Progressive Revelations," has been |
| However, I don't know if that would have worked | | | | ongoing since 1998. |
| either. Alas, she walked away telling me that she | | | | |