| If you are a man who tends to retreat from | | | | ideas for you to try out. |
| conflict with your wife into a silent state, this | | | | Before you and your wife engage in verbal |
| article is for you. I know you are doing this for | | | | combat again, tell her about the "Time Out" |
| your own self-protection. Even so, the effect of | | | | exercise: |
| your actions is disconnecting you from the | | | | - For couples who want to resolve conflict, the |
| woman you married. If you would like to change | | | | usual recommendation is for both parties to take |
| this pattern and regain those loving feelings you | | | | an hour break from the fight to calm themselves |
| and your wife had when you were first dating or | | | | by doing something physical, like walking, exercise, |
| newlyweds, keep reading. | | | | yard work, tinkering in the garage, yoga, tai chi, |
| First, a bit of background information. From what | | | | meditation, and so on. |
| John Gottman learned from studying couples for | | | | - During this time you also focus on what you can |
| over 20 years in his "Love Lab," men's central | | | | do to help solve the problem by asking yourself, |
| nervous system goes haywire when they get | | | | "How can I be a part of the solution?" |
| stressed out, especially when in conflict with their | | | | Once you reconnect and are willing to talk to each |
| wives. It takes you longer to calm yourself after | | | | other about the conflict: |
| a conflict than it does your wife. If a conflict is | | | | - Let go of the need to be right and to blame her. |
| restarted or continues, it takes even longer to | | | | This only keeps fanning the flames. |
| restore your body to the calm state it was in | | | | - Figure out what you are willing to accept |
| before the conflict revved up your central | | | | responsibility for and say so. |
| nervous system. | | | | - Ask her what she needs from you in order to |
| With my clients, my main concern is that the | | | | feel better. |
| longer a man stays inside his own head, rewinding | | | | If you have been stuck in this pattern of verbal |
| and replaying the conflict, the worse it becomes in | | | | boxing for a long time, it is possible that you will |
| his mind. In order to effectively resolve conflict, | | | | find a lot of resistance from your wife. Give |
| the two people must come together to look at | | | | yourself credit for trying something new. Keep |
| the problem objectively. You may say it is | | | | working on it; just because it does not work the |
| impossible to do when you are both determined | | | | first time does not mean it never will. Think of it |
| to be right and win the argument. I disagree. This | | | | like learning to ride a bicycle. The first time you |
| can be learned! | | | | got on, you were not Lance Armstrong! Practice, |
| You know the saying, "Keep doing what you are | | | | practice and keep practicing. And if you are not |
| doing; keep getting the same results." If you are | | | | able to break this destructive habit the two of |
| ready to do something new, here are a couple of | | | | you are engaged in, relationship coaching can help. |