| Plagiarizing the plaintive cry of Martial, I could say | | | | Yes, they're taught to swear false oaths when |
| that there was a time when criminals and lawyers | | | | they're in training camp.And we can impeach Mark |
| were kept more or less safely immured within | | | | Anthony's testimony. He's bad mouthing you now, |
| the confines of politics or the judicial system, and | | | | but earlier today at the funeral, he was telling |
| if a citizen lived honestly and kept his nose clean, | | | | everybody how honorable you were. Then, we'll |
| he could go about his business and despise them | | | | show that the whole charge is outrageous, that |
| both. But times have changed. Lawyers are | | | | you could never do such a thing. And then, we |
| popping up like dandelions everywhere you look | | | | can destroy his character. Everybody knows he's |
| on television, and consequently, the Jurist Effect is | | | | a drunkard and a womanizer. Maybe he was even |
| wreaking havoc on society.The Jurist Effect is | | | | messing around with Calpurnia. Yeah...a triangle. We |
| measured by a number called the venerability | | | | can suggest that Anthony and Calpurnia were |
| factor. Whenever the Jurists Effect is present, | | | | messing around, and Julius caught onto |
| venerability takes a beating. For those who aren't | | | | them.""What happened to the Carpathians?""Oh, |
| familiar with the mathematics of it, the | | | | yeah...well...we'll use them, too. But the triangle is |
| venerability factor of any human enterprise varies | | | | too good to pass up. A sizzling triangle.""Wouldn't |
| as the negative log of the proportionate mass of | | | | that be a quadrangle? There's four of them, you |
| lawyers involved. In law, of course, the proportion | | | | know. Don't forget that Egyptian wench.""Hmmm, |
| is nearly unity, and the venerability factor | | | | yes, Cleopatra. Hmmm...Mark Anthony |
| approaches zero. Organized crime has a lower | | | | and...Cleopatra, Cleopatra and Mark Anthony...you |
| proportion of lawyers involved; thus it rates higher | | | | know, we...could...uhh ...nah! They'd never buy that. |
| in respectability in the public mind. On the other | | | | No, let's stick with the torrid love triangle. We can |
| hand, Congress, which has a higher ratio than | | | | implicate Calpurnia.""Ahh...okay...but isn't Caesar's |
| organized crime, but a lower ratio than the legal | | | | wife above suspicion?""So what? There's always |
| profession as a whole, falls somewhere in | | | | somebody who'll say something bad about |
| between.Consider what happened to baseball, our | | | | anybody. And the cleaner they are, the darker |
| once venerated national pastime. Long ago, there | | | | the dirt looks on their lily-white togas.""I guess, |
| were maybe two or three hundred big league | | | | but...""No buts! I'm your pleader, right? Trust me. |
| baseball players and only a couple lawyers. | | | | Let's not let them turn this into some kind of |
| Baseball players were the most venerated people | | | | sordid little inquiry about murder and mayhem. No |
| in the country. Today, there are maybe 900 big | | | | sir. This is going to be a search for truth. And |
| league players in baseball, but several thousand | | | | integrity. It's about...justice...virtue... |
| lawyers, and baseball will never be the same. No, | | | | and...and...uhh...honor. I have a sacred duty here, |
| there just isn't anyway to get around it, the Jurist | | | | and I know what I'm doing. Now, where was I? |
| Effect is real.Now, television, and thus, society, is | | | | Oh, right. Lepidus. We can get some dirt on |
| experiencing the ravages of the Jurist Effect. | | | | Lepidus, too. He's a real stinker. And that vicious |
| Lawyers are pouring into television news and | | | | little punk of a nephew...what's his |
| public affairs, and they are even getting their own | | | | name?"Octavian?""Yes, that's it...Octavian. I'll tear |
| shows, where they comment on everything | | | | that little sniveler to pieces. We can show that |
| imaginable from a jaundiced legal point of view, | | | | he's involved in a cover up. He had a lot to gain |
| and they're doing to the media what they have | | | | by this, at least, according to the will.""Will?...What |
| already done to professional sports. After years | | | | will?""Caesar's will.""He left a will?""Yes. Anthony |
| of watching their absurd commercials on | | | | has been reading it all over town. Says he left |
| television, cajoling us that if we think hard enough, | | | | gifts for everybody.""Did he leave me |
| we can blame someone for something, and if we | | | | anything?""I'll check. If he did, we'll put in a claim |
| just call them, they will help us find a victim and | | | | right after the trial. We might even be able to get |
| soon be very well off, who could have ever | | | | Calpurnia's share, if the accusation of infidelity and |
| imagined that the day would come when we | | | | complicity sticks. We could get some really big |
| would get our social, moral and ethical | | | | denarii out of this, Brutus. Libel. Slander. Treason. |
| commentary and instruction from lawyers?What's | | | | This is a matter of personal honor! That's big |
| next? How rudely comical will the human drama | | | | stuff with those rubes. Big settlements. Estate |
| become if it succumbs to such cunning media | | | | forfeitures, the whole nine stadia.""Think it'll |
| sophisticates? Will history, philosophy and literature | | | | work?""I don't see why not. Looks pretty good |
| become little more than a trilogy of shallow | | | | from here, but just in case, we better have a fall |
| casuistries, and the sum of human existence in all | | | | back position. Let me see...ah, yes. He was your |
| its myriad expressions be reduced to the grating | | | | friend and you idolized him, right?""Yeah, |
| timbre of a cynically mocking hyperbole?Most | | | | idolized..that's it.""And you would never hurt |
| stand-up comics hope so, but what about the | | | | him...you could never hurt him...right?""Right. How |
| rest of us? Imagine, for instance, what the Jurist | | | | could I? He was my friend.""Your best |
| Effect would have been on one of the | | | | friend?""Yeah, best friend.""He loved you like a |
| profoundest moments of triumph and tragedy in | | | | son.""Yeah, like a son.""Your best friend in the |
| history and drama, say, for instance, the Ides of | | | | whole...wide...""Yeah. He was my best |
| March, 44 b.c.e. Consider how shrunken in | | | | friend...the...the best friend I had in the whole wide |
| measure that moment would have become, had | | | | world. Why would I hurt him? How could |
| Brutus consulted his attorney, instead of fleeing to | | | | I?""Unless...?""Unless what?""You |
| Philippi to raise a republican army. The whole | | | | know...unless...?""Uhmm...let me see...unless |
| course of western civilization might have moved | | | | I...uh...""Unless...you were...""Unless |
| in a radically different direction and one of | | | | I...were...""C'mon...keep going. |
| Shakespeare's greatest tragedies would have | | | | Unless...you..were...""Unless I were...oh, yeah...unless...I |
| gone begging.An Evening in RomeScene: A | | | | were...uh...hmm...crazy?""Now you're talking. Heard |
| spacious triniculum in a well lit villa on the Aventine, | | | | any voices lately?""Are you kidding. I live right off |
| the home of Gaius Ingnatius Postumus Scintillis, | | | | the Via Sacra - it's full of drunks and brothels. |
| attorney at law and long time friend of Marcus | | | | There's always voices coming out of there. |
| Brutus."Did you do it, Brutus?""Of course I did. I | | | | Sometimes, I can't get to sleep all night.""Aha, |
| did it for Rome. He was destroying the Republic | | | | sleep deprivation. Not bad. Maybe we can use |
| and all that it stood for. Men of good conscience | | | | that. Ever hear any voices telling you to do weird |
| cannot shrink from duty, Postumus. They must | | | | things?""Ah, no, can't say as I have...""Are you |
| act. Caesar was ambitious, and he had to be | | | | sure?""Positive. Look, I'm not a fruit cake, |
| stopped. Honor dictated that I lend my hand and | | | | Postumus!""Not even a whisper...a hint...?""No!""A |
| my name to strike a blow for Rome and for | | | | hint of a whisper?""Nulla.""Are you absolutely |
| liberty!""Okay, okay, that's all well and good. Now | | | | certain?""Uhm...well...sort of...""Think about it. Are |
| try it again from the top, and this time, try to get | | | | you absolutely certain that you have never heard |
| it right. Did you kill him?""Oh, right. I'm sorry. | | | | a single voice talking to you?""Well...er...hmm...well, |
| Ahh...uhm...absolutely not! I had nothing to do with | | | | come to think of it...yeah... yeah...sometimes I |
| it.""Good, good. But you need to be more | | | | do.""Your dog ever tell you to kill people?""Yes, |
| emphatic.""I'm innocent! 100% not guilty!""Great. | | | | now that you mention it, he has told me on |
| But don't show so much agitation. Show subdued | | | | occasion to kill dictators. Told me to do it on the |
| grief and profound dismay when you say it. Now, | | | | Ides of March, in fact.""Good, good...now we're |
| you were seen during the stabbing in front of | | | | getting someplace. Any of the gods ever talk to |
| Pompey's statue at the theater. What's your | | | | you?""Yeah...I think so. Jupiter, maybe...and, let me |
| response to that?""Stabbing? What stabbing? I | | | | see...uhm...Venus? Yeah, Venus, too! They're |
| don't know what you're talking about.""Excellent. | | | | always telling me to do weird stuff!""I think we've |
| Okay, okay....Caesar's stabbing. They killed | | | | got something here. We can tie it together with |
| him.""Caesar? I know several Caesars. Which | | | | the auspices.""Auspices? What kind of |
| Caesar are you talking about?""Okay, very good! | | | | auspices?"Let's see. Dreams, we can use dreams. |
| Can you raise your eyebrow just a little higher | | | | Have you seen an oracle lately?""I haven't been to |
| when you ask that?""Like this?""Yeah, just like | | | | an oracle in years.""What about Portia?""Umm, |
| that. Look slightly offended, too! Okay, now | | | | yeah, she goes sometimes...can we use |
| where was I? Oh, yeah...you know...Julius | | | | that?""Does she ever tell you what they |
| Caesar...the big guy with the laurels and the size | | | | say?""Yeah, sometimes...I guess she does...yeah |
| 46 toga? In front of the Theater of | | | | sure.""Maybe. Well, no matter. Say, there's word |
| Pompey?""Me? Why...I wasn't even there...I | | | | that some soothsayer was mumbling something |
| was...uh...at the...circus...yeah, I was at the | | | | about bewaring the Ides around the Theater |
| circus.""Good! I like that! Anybody see you | | | | before the whole thing went down. We can tie |
| there?""Yeah...er...Casca and Cassius?""Cassius has | | | | that in...the Fates...stuff like that. You know, 'those, |
| been spilling his guts out all over the Forum in | | | | whom the Gods will destroy, they first make |
| front of a some very large crowds. Something | | | | mad.' That stuff really appeals to equestrians. We'll |
| about liberty for Rome and death to tyrants. And | | | | have to go to the literature, and we have to get |
| he shouted your name a couple times, too! We'll | | | | some expert augers to testify.""Augers. Why do |
| have to show that it was someone else with you | | | | we need those fakers?""To testify that all the |
| at the circus.""Boy! Cassius has a big mouth. It | | | | signs were present. Let 'em say that the entrails |
| wasn't me...it was somebody else.""Hmmm...then it | | | | showed that you were fated and that you were |
| must have been somebody else, if you say, | | | | being driven mad by the will by the gods. It won't |
| because everyone knows that Brutus is an | | | | be much trouble to find a few of them who'll |
| honorable man. So, you mean...you're | | | | swing our way. A dozen experts can never agree |
| being...?""Falsely accused! Yes!""No, you're | | | | on anything. We can't lose on that one.""Is that |
| being...?""Persecuted? Yeah, I'm being persecuted, | | | | all?""No. We have to get the right jury.""Try it |
| because I ah...ah..""Well, maybe we can use that | | | | before the Senate. I've got lots of friends in the |
| later, but for now, you're | | | | Senate.""Don't I wish, but it probably won't float. |
| being...""I'm...being...?""C'mon, think...you're being | | | | After all, he wasn't of high patrician blood, you |
| ffrrrrr...""Frrr...?""Yes, Brutus...fffrrrr...""Ffrrr...urred! | | | | know. Marius made him a big shot. Some even |
| I'm being furred? What the hell does that | | | | say he was from an equestrian family. An upstart. |
| mean?""No! Not furred, ...frrrr...a...""Frr...a...amed? | | | | The prosecution will try to push for a trial in the |
| Yeah...framed! I'm being framed!""Yes! Just like | | | | Assembly.""Is that bad?""Maybe, maybe not. |
| that, exactly! But look more pained and | | | | There's a lot of sentiment out there for you, too. |
| desolate.""How 'bout this?""Better. Much better. | | | | But we'll need to get some high profile |
| Okay. Now someone was overheard yelling 'Sic | | | | co-counselors. Someone like Cicero. Man, now |
| semper tyrannis' in a deeply resonant patrician | | | | there's a lawyer's lawyer. Remember pro Flacco? |
| voice very much like your own, right after the | | | | 'When your case is weak, abuse the plaintiff!' That |
| stabbing. And you did have blood all over your | | | | was a classic.""Cicero's a schmuck. And he's afraid |
| toga, didn't you? What do you say to that?""It | | | | of Anthony.""Yeah, too bad. We'll just have to get |
| wasn't me. It couldn't have been me. I don't even | | | | someone like him.""Like?""Well, there's a lot of |
| speak Latin. It had to be someone else! And it's | | | | Sabine blood in the assembly, and the prosecution |
| not blood,...ah...it..'uhm...it's..er..it's wine! I was drinking | | | | is going to have a counsel of known Sabine |
| wine at Marcellinus the centurion's place and it | | | | ancestry. So, I figure we'll counter with Apollonius |
| spilled all over me.""That's great! I was in the | | | | of Colon on our team.""Apollonius? He's a |
| Twelfth Legion with Rufio in the Dacian campaign. | | | | goddamn Greek!""There's a pretty sizable body of |
| I'll tell the court that I personally spoke with | | | | citizens of Greek extraction out there, Brutus. All |
| Marcellinus, centurion to centurion, and he will | | | | the southern precincts were originally Greek |
| verify that! By the way, who's Marcellinus?""He's | | | | colonies. It can't hurt to have a few of them on |
| got a shop just on the edge of the Forum where | | | | the defense team. And Apollonius is good. None |
| all the old Fifteenth Danubian Legion Vets hang | | | | better!""What if they get a Greek, too?""Those |
| out. Great food, and he doesn't skimp on the | | | | conniving bastards, I wouldn't put it past them, |
| wine. All you can drink for 20 denarii.""Excellent! An | | | | especially Lepidus, the filthy little ferret. Goddamn |
| honorable working man, a veteran and a patriot! | | | | prosecutors! They're all a bunch of dirty |
| We can use him. Now, what about that cut on | | | | unprincipled sneaks.""Say, didn't you used to be a |
| your hand? Some people might say that jumping | | | | senatorial prosecutor?""Well...uhm...yes...I suppose |
| around with forty people jabbing someone all at | | | | so, but now, I'm a defense pleader. No matter. |
| the same time is a bit dangerous, and that you | | | | Anyway, if they try to use a Greek, too, we'll |
| cut it then.""Nonsense. I cut it...while...cleaning my | | | | simply go public and accuse them of playing the |
| sword. I heard the news that he was dead, and I | | | | ethnic card. Apollonius will make the accusation. |
| got so upset that I...I...ah... slammed my | | | | That will give it real credibility.""Well, maybe, but |
| hand...down...on...it ...in...grief?""Good. Very good. We | | | | just keep a tight reign on him. Geez, he's so damn |
| can use that to show how deeply you cared. I like | | | | melodramatic. If you don't keep a lid on it, he'll |
| that. That's the kind of stuff that will appeal to | | | | puff himself up and turn the whole damned trial |
| plebeians. Maybe we can get some angry mobs | | | | into a Greek tragedy.""Yeah, but the masses eat |
| into the streets chanting that it's a frame up. | | | | it up. They love it.""Say, how much is this gonna |
| You're pretty popular with the masses. Let's see, | | | | cost me?""Let's see...Apollonius...public relations |
| maybe we can suggest it was the Carthaginian | | | | criers...expert augers...oracles...soothsayers...and...we |
| Cartel. Yes, the Carthaginian Cartel. He wasn't | | | | will have to pay them up front...fifty talents of |
| assassinated...he was executed! We'll mention that | | | | silver, maybe, and, of course there will be the |
| there's talk among the street people that they | | | | customary gift expenses. How much cash do you |
| used the Carthaginian Necklace on him!""What's a | | | | have on hand?""I only have thirty talents in |
| Carthaginian necklace?""It's a...hell, I don't know, but | | | | cash.""Got any other sources coming in soon?""No. |
| it sounds like something they would | | | | I think I've lost my chariot concession at Circus |
| use.""Who?""The Carthaginians, Brutus...who | | | | Maximus. Just my estate left.""Okay, thirty's good. |
| else?""Well, okay...but...I don't know...didn't we kill all | | | | We'll mortgage your villa if we need to.""Why so |
| the Carthaginians in the third Punic War?""Well, | | | | cheap? Gaius Decius wanted 200 talents up front |
| yeah...damn, I guess we did.""How about the | | | | to plead Casca's case.""Are you kidding? There |
| Judeans? Can't we blame them?""Now there's a | | | | were sixty eyewitnesses, and Cassius has already |
| thought. I suppose we could float a trial balloon in | | | | done everything but publicly confess for all of you. |
| the Forum with the Crier's Guild maybe...nah! It | | | | When I get you off, it'll be the greatest case |
| won't fly. Herod's a friend of Rome. Everybody | | | | since the Cataline Conspiracy, maybe even the |
| likes him. His father saved Caesar's cojones in the | | | | biggest case of all time. Besides, we'll make a |
| Egyptian Campaign. Say, I've got it. It was the | | | | killing on the book! |
| Carpathians. Yes, let's say there's definitely talk | | | | We'll play up the whole government conspiracy |
| about a Carpathian necklace floating around. | | | | thing, you know, Octavian, the conniver, stirring |
| Hmmm...we'll have to work on it.""Okay. Anything | | | | things up with the city prefect and the cohorts to |
| else?""Yes, do you have a motive they can | | | | cover up his and Anthony's crime...we'll really slice |
| prove?""Uhh...no, I don't think so...no, definitely not. | | | | them up good. That'll take care of the little shit! I'll |
| Well...I am a republican,will that hurt my | | | | bury him so deep, nobody will ever hear of him |
| case?""Won't help. Anthony is already screaming | | | | again! We'll call the book 'Et tu, Caesar?' And we'll |
| that it's nothing but a vicious right wing republican | | | | bring it out before the trial starts.""Now, let me |
| conspiracy. Claims everybody is lying about | | | | see...I've got to prepare a statement for the Acta |
| Caesar being ambitious. Word is that you've been | | | | Diurna in the Forum. There was a storm last |
| saying that he was ambitious. Any truth to | | | | night...so, I'll start out with a righteously indignant |
| that?""Uhm...well..I might have said....ah....ah....well, I | | | | cry for justice... something like -- 'Even the Gods |
| think, maybe I...well, you know, he didn't actually | | | | cry out in anger against this profane outrage to |
| put the crown on his head at the | | | | justice.' Then, we'll make a public sacrifice to |
| Lupercalia...but...""But what?""Well...he did fondle it a | | | | Apollo to show them we're pious and innocent, |
| little, and there was this moment when he didn't | | | | and you can go to Caesar's funeral pyre and |
| really seem to want to push it away.""Well, did | | | | openly weep. Then, we'll swear some oaths to |
| you actually say he was ambitious or | | | | Zeus, too...that'll get the Greeks on our side. 'We |
| not?""Ahh...well...kinda maybe...I guess so...yeah, I | | | | have a sacred duty to the truth'...yes, above all |
| said it..a couple times...to a couple people...mobs, | | | | else, a search for truth...yeah, I like it. 'Let justice |
| mostly.""Mobs can be noisy. Maybe they misheard | | | | be done...'I've got it! Listen to this!-- |
| you. Try it over again. Did you say that Caesar | | | | 'Let justice be done...though the Heavens rent |
| was ambitious?""No. Definitely not!""Okay, we'll say | | | | asunder...and...ahh...and the Gods do tumble from |
| that it's all lies. A filthy pack of vicious lies! They're | | | | their thrones, let justice be done!' That's it! And |
| quoting you out of context. All of them. This is a | | | | we can throw in virtue and honor...got to work |
| hatchet job. They're out to get you.""Who? The | | | | them in somewhere. And then, the sincere and |
| Carpathians?""Well, no,- actually...the consuls have | | | | moving cry for truth. Yes, a search for truth and |
| been saying it. Say! Of course! That's it! The | | | | justice! Don't you just love it when it all comes |
| consuls...the city prefect...the cohorts...they're all in it | | | | together? |
| together. It's a big frame up! The whole rotten | | | | Well, you better get going, Brutus. Lots to do. I'll |
| administration is in on it! We'll play up a | | | | get with you later. Just stay away from Mark |
| government conspiracy! That's always good for | | | | Anthony and any crowds, until I can get a |
| votes. Juries are real big on conspiracies and | | | | restraining order from the Senate. And |
| cover-ups by the authorities. Now...let's see...we | | | | remember, deny everything! This is great. |
| can attack them with the character issue, too. | | | | Absolutely great! By Jove! I love the law! |
| First, we claim that all the cohorts lie. All of them! | | | | |